6AM-2 oz ground pork, 1Tbsp mayo, 1 pork & egg muffin
7AM – cappo
11:30AM – CO bite (feeling weak, not hungry), herbal tea
1PM- 3 oz grilled chicken, mushroom & tomato & lettuce salad w/caesar dressing
3PM- CO bite
5:30PM- 6 oz smoked salmon, cappo
9PM – 20 gm baybell cheese

Calories: 1423
Fat: 100gm/64%
Carb: 17gm (3 fiber)/5%
Protein: 105gms/32%

It’s frustrating to not lose weight. I got on the random number generator this morning – very hopeful because of how well I’ve been doing with my food this week. No change. I cannot eat any cleaner than I’m eating now. I cannot/will not cut anything else out. I had 5 minutes of feeling like $hit and saying F*#@ it all (it’s my blog – I’ll say what I want) and why bother and then I came back to reality. I came back to what I said the other day….if I never lose another pound following this way of eating it’s still better than where I was 18 months ago when I started this journey. However, I WANT TO LOSE MORE WEIGHT! 210 is not an ideal weight for me. I may be more healthy and fit than I’ve been in 15 years or so, but I’m still a long way away from where I want to be and where I need to be for optimal health.

And you know what? It pisses me off that so many of you bloggers out there are losing so quickly and effortlessly. Ok, that’s not nice. I should be happy for you (and truly I am) but there is a part of me that is simply green with envy and jealousy. ‘Give up the sweet’ – you’ll lose weight. Well, it might be happening for Moonius & Jimmy & others – but it’s not happening for me. ‘Drink more water’ – can you say waterlogged? ‘Stay in bed’ – can you say bored? ‘exercise more’ – can you say obsessive? ‘do cardio’ – yeah right, ‘don’t do cardio’ – ok sure, ‘strength train harder/smarter/slower’ – give me an ‘effin break. Maybe the best thing for me to do is to stop pushing but if I don’t push, or make changes, and nothing changes, where does that leave me? Exactly where I am today which is not exactly where I want to be. Then again, if I can’t accept where I am today, can I move forward?

Oh, I’ll get past this – I know that for me it does no good to rail against the random number generator – it does no good for me to get upset because the scale doesn’t move on the schedule I’d like it to move on – I know I should probably just pitch the scale out the back door and continue doing what I’m doing – get on with living my life. I sometimes think I should totally back away from these weight loss forums and blogs because the focus seems to be so much on losing, losing, losing, diet, diet, diet and it drives me mad. But I don’t. Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I stop pushing, if I stop fighting, I’ll return to where I was and I don’t want that. What I have today is far better than what I had yesterday and what I’ll have tomorrow will be far better than today so I must just keep plugging along. Today though – I’m frustrated and pissed and jealous and annoyed. I’m going to sit with these emotions for just a little bit longer and then I’m going to move on. Just mark me down as not being a happy camper today.

I’m off to my meditation class. I pretty sure Buddhist meditation isn’t my thing – but I have two more classes to go so will soldier on. Maybe I’ll blow off all the meditation rules tonight and simply sit there for 2 hours and contemplate the fuzz in my navel.